The Seven Seals Of the Apocalypse: A Modern Take

The Seven Seals

Well, you’ve probably heard that John of Patmos, the guy who penned Revelations, describes a scroll with Seven Seals which can only be broken by The Big Guy (JC).  In this Biblical version, the breaking of the first Four Seals unleashes the Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse; the fifth a bloodbath which avenges the death of Christian martyrs; the sixth a whole bunch of Natural disasters which you can see in the film 2012; and the seventh, well, let’s just say it leads to a lot of tsuris involving angels and several years of painful Tribulation.  In other words, by the time the Seventh Seal is broken, God is pretty much sick of Man and goes off to take a vacation in an extraterrestrial Miami Beach.

Anyway, if the Seven Seals were modernized, I think they would look something like this:

FIRST SEAL:

Kim Kardashian is proclaimed the anti-Christ, and, like Oprah, gets her own cable network.

SECOND SEAL:

George Lucas decides to make the final three STAR WARS sequels. These are of course in IMAX 3-D, and much wailing, suffering, and raining of frogs hits the Multiplex Near You.

THIRD SEAL:

Ghostbusters III is released.  Billy Murray is now so old that he has to be filmed in motion capture, and Dan Aykroyd, having put on a couple of pounds, plays the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

FOURTH SEAL:

In an unexpected twist, the neocons responsible for the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars admit that they were wrong.  A glacier falls on Condi Rice, and Bill Kristol perishes when Mt. Rushmore erupts.  Richard Perle is eaten by wasps, and Paul Wolfowitz is appointed head of the World Bank (again) just as riots erupt.  His body is never found.

FIFTH SEAL:

George W. Bush, lost on his Crawford TX ranch, emerges from the brush and declares his intention to run for President (he’s unaware of term limits) and to purchase the L.A. Dodgers.  The Dodgers move back to Brooklyn.  So does the Oval Office.

SIXTH SEAL:

Dick Cheney’s heart is replaced with Vlad The Impaler’s.  A rash of bloodless corpses appears on the Wyoming plains.

SEVENTH SEAL:

One-upping the Borgias, Rick Santorum is elected Pope. The Vatican crumbles, followed by the seven continents.  The Apocalypse is complete.  Now shut up, you 12/21/12’ers!

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