Why The Avengers Worked (no spoilers!)

Saw the new 3D Avengers along with my 17-year-old daughter, and though neither of us is a comic book fan we found ourselves – begrudgingly – really enjoying the movie.  Of course, we are not alone:  this mega-franchise tent-pole has already grossed over $700 million worldwide, with $200.7 million domestic from opening weekend alone (setting a new record, natch).  Disney has already announced the development of a sequel, as any sane studio would.

Now, commercial clout is not the gold standard when it comes to quality (think Titanic and its dreadful script; the even more dreadful Twilight Franchise (though I liked Catherine Hardwicke’s take on the first one).  The real surprise of Avengers is how good the film actually is.  Joss Whedon has pulled off the seeming impossible, taking a confabulation of characters, some of whom already had their own “prequels,” and meshing them together in a film that has a coherent plot, a good script, snappy dialogue, and something we’ve lost for about the past 20 years:  character.

The “spine”, as William Goldman would say, is not the flashy effects, though they rival anything in recent CG history, including the execrable Transformers.  Kudos to ILM, Weta , Scanline VFX, Hydraulx, Fuel,, Evil Eye Pictures, Luma, Cantina Creative, Trixter, Modus FX, Whiskytree, Digital Domain, The Third Floor (previs and postvis), and Method Design ( for the killer 3D titles).  Janek Sirrs, who supervised VFX on Ironman, did an amazing job wrangling every FX house in Hollywood and beyond.  The final battle in New York uses 3D as more than a gimmick, especially with those Chitauri cruising through a wormhole on their sky-Skidoos.

However, none of this would matter a damn (see:  the first three Star Wars) if the characters were weak and/or interchangeable.   All of the actors involved do a superb job evoking their particular superhero, especially Robert Downey Jr. as Ironman.  This guy is so lithe you almost want to see him dance Fosse.  He makes an obnoxious, self-absorbed billionaire someone you actually care about.  He’s so good I could even stand Gwyneth Paltrow for the first time this century.

Chris Pine is wonderful as Captain America, and may have the best line in the film (regarding Norse god Loki):  “There’s only one God, ma’am, and he doesn’t dress like that.”  He absolutely captures a 40’s sensibility without belaboring the fact that he’s been on ice for 70 years.  The fish out of water broadness was apparently reserved for Dark Shadows, whose trailer makes it look cringeworthy.

Chris Helmsley hits just the right tone as the imperious Thor, and has the biceps to convince us he can hurl that hammer across worlds.  Mark Ruffalo is delightfully understated as Dr. Bruce Banner/The Hulk, making his transformation into a raging green monster that much more striking.  Watching him and Downey verbally spar over Tesseracts is one of the highlights of the film.

The auxiliary Avengers, Black Widow and Hawkeye, are perfect in rounding out the group.  Scarlett Johansson is dead-on as Russian spy Natasha Romanov, even speaking a mean Russian when we first meet her.  She kicks ass and takes no prisoners with the same aplomb as the guys.  Jeremy Renner is great as the initially brainwashed Hawkeye and he shoots every arrow like his life depends on it.  Augmenting the core is a sinister Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury, a comical Clark Gregg as Agent Coulson, and even the acclaimed Jenny Agutter as a member of the World Council.   The British Tom Hiddleston could not be better as Loki:  Whedon chose his villain well.

What makes this movie stand out is that the Good Guys don’t get along initially.  In fact, they’re so disparate and egotistical that their arguments – and physical brawls – seem much more than trumped-up action beats.  Thor versus Ironman is a hoot, while Downey tells Pine, “Everything about you that’s special came out of a bottle.”  Everyone fears the unleashing of Hulk, which Ruffalo, as Banner, accepts with world-weary sarcasm.  Jackson, who spearheads the revived “Avengers Initiative,” is a slippery ally as he retains secrets of his own.  Johansson as a superspy is eminently believable when she wrests key info from Loki by playing on his arrogance.   The sexual interplay between Downey and Paltrow as Pepper Potts is fun without being a toss-off:  it seems real, not just a feeble nod toward having “a girl” in the picture.

Watching good actors with well-defined characters reciting literate dialogue is something I haven’t experienced since All About Eve (1950).  Unlike the Supermans, Spidermans, and – dare I say it – Batmans, this script doesn’t seem to strain or paint by numbers in reaching its set pieces and climax.  The final image (and I won’t give away any spoilers) is downright brilliant.  Someone, probably Whedon, actually sat down and thought about its impact.   It’s a nice finish to an excellent film.

Don’t get me wrong:  I’m not going to pretend that Avengers is Citizen Kane or Sunset Blvd.  It’s just that compared to its comic book ilk, it’s a refreshing piece that delivers on all levels.  I thought that X-Men:  Last Stand was intriguing, but the story was an incoherent mess (ironically, Zak Penn, who wrote the story for this one, was the screenwriter on X-Men).   Alas, even James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, and Jennifer Lawrence – who have all been great in other roles  — couldn’t save that one.

It’s nice to have a summer film, finally, which is more than just huge grosses and provides bonafide entertainment.  Hunger Games was excellent, but its dystopian story is a downer, to say the least.  Avengers is what a summer film should be:  fun, layered, well-written, awesome SPFX, doesn’t take itself too seriously, and leaves you wanting more.  It reminds me of Star Wars – the real one, Episode IV.  Something to infuse life back to the studio film.  Disney, you are hereby forgiven for John Carter.

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The Scourge Of Cancer

Brain Cancer Cell

Of course, the statistics are grim.  This year, 564,800 Americans are expected to die of cancer:  that’s more than 1,500 people a day.   It is the #2 national killer, right behind heart disease.  Amazingly, there are 8 million Americans alive today with some history of cancer.[1]  Men have a 1 in 2 risk for developing cancer in their lifetime – for women, it’s 1 in 3.  14% of diagnosed women will die this year from breast cancer – for men, it’s 29% from lung cancer.[2]

As a dual breast cancer survivor, I have a vested interest in the progress being made – or not – in finding a way to halt this scourge.  Over the past two years, I have not only personally had cancer, but have lost four friends:  each to a different form of the killer.  I am so so tired of getting the news that someone else has lost the struggle;  that we will never see them again.  Cancer recognizes no boundaries and has no respect for celebrity:  it can hit anyone, from the great( Ted Kennedy) to the small.  And whether or not you survive is up to a roll of metastasizing dice.  In other words, it’s a crapshoot.

Are there lifestyle changes you can make to increase your odds?  Obviously, stop smoking.  And don’t drink and smoke in excess.  Yes, heavy drinking can lead to cancer of the mouth, throat, liver, voice box, and esophagus. [3]  Try not to become obese (36% of adult Americans are).[4]   Don’t eat crap, especially red meat, preserved meat, and salt.  Don’t expose yourself excessively to the sun, since ultraviolet rays can lead to melanoma.[5]  Avoid intravenous drug use, as hepatitis B and C are major causes of liver cancer.[6]  Stay away from known carcinogens:  asbestos, arsenic, cadmium, chromium, lead, and nickel.  Get some goddamn exercise, since physical inactivity is linked to 30% of all colon, endometrial, kidney, and esophageal cancers, as well as 30% of breast cancers in older women.[7]

Of course, cancer treatment itself may cause further cancer, as with radiation.  I had thirty-five sessions, and really not much of a choice.  It might not surprise you that the top 16 countries for cancer are all in the West:  in other words, the US, and Europe.[8]  It is here that we’ve developed the sophistication of a toxic, polluted environment; a culture where everyone sits on their ass, eating Pringles and playing video games; and a capitalist economy utterly unconcerned with preserving health.

But here’s the important question:  are there any bright shining treatments peeking over the horizon?  As a matter, of fact, yes.  Let’s examine the future of chemo.  Right now, these drugs permeate the entire body, and that’s why your hair falls out (to chemo, a fast-growing cell is a fast-growing cell).  This therapy evolved from World War I and the then-legal toxin of mustard gas.  It is on an attack and destroy mission, and if the organism is killed in the process. . .oh well.   The next phase of chemo  may very well be targeted, or personal therapy:  “It is hoped that information about a patient’s proteomic, genetic and metabolic profile could be used to tailor medical care to that individual’s needs.”[9]  From Medicine’s mouth to God’s ears!!

Genetic research may very well point the way to a cure.   There is a new treatment which helps to persuade the immune system to destroy cancer cells.  So far, it’s been shown to shrink or cure human breast, ovary, colon, bladder, brain, liver, and prostate tumors that have been transplanted into mice.[10]

Irving Weissman, one of the researchers, explains: “What we’ve shown is that CD47 isn’t just important on leukemias and lymphomas. It’s on every single human primary tumor that we tested… We showed that even after the tumor has taken hold, the antibody can either cure the tumor or slow its growth and prevent metastasis.”[11]  His group has just been granted $20 million to begin human testing.

A 2010 Cal Tech study has shown that nanoparticles (talk about science fictional!) can adhere to proteins associated with cancer, deliver medication, and turn off these bad proteins.  It’s called RNA interference and has been proved to work on people.[12]  Go, Cal Tech, go!

Perhaps the most amazing potential cure was refined by a 17-year-old high school student who won the national Siemens science contest and its $100,000 prize.  She deserves it.

Her theory is to mix cancer medicine in a polymer that would attach to nanoparticles — which would then attach to cancer cells and show up on an MRI.   Doctors could then see exactly where the tumors are.  Then she thought that if you aimed an infrared light at the tumors to melt the polymer and release the drugs, you could kill cancer cells without harming the healthy ones.  She has already proven her theory on mice.[13]

There’s another drug called DCA which kills cancer cells by disrupting the way they metabolize sugar, causing them to commit suicide.  Yet here, as always, is the problem:  it is a common, cheap drug, and not patentable.  Says Pharmacologist Omudhome Ogbru:  “Profit is the incentive for the risk that the company takes.  Without the promise of a reasonable profit, there is very little incentive for any company to develop new drugs.”[14]  Even though DCA has caused three patients to go into total remission from “incurable” cancers.  Naturally, this was in Canada not the money-mad U.S.

Not to be outdone, Israel is experimenting with a drug originally developed for stroke patients to kill cancerous cells. [15]    The Susan G. Komen Foundation has given tens of millions to promote research into BRCA1 & 2 mutations (the hereditary genes which cause breast cancer).  Since BC spreads to other organs 25% of the time, Komen is also investing in studying metastasies at the genetic level.[16]

So it’s not like Science is standing around playing with its Petri dishes.  All over the world, researchers are trying to beat the Big C  with swords made of molecular steel.  Someday, one of them will succeed.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they took the Dr. Salk approach and refused to issue a patent?  As Salk remarked about his polio vaccine, “Could you patent the sun?”  Here in the U.S., they’ll try.  Unless the discoverer is herself a cancer survivor.

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[5] Ibid

[6] Ibid

[11] Ibid

Is It So Wrong For –Everyone– To Have Health Care?

  The Republicans are trying their damnest to derail what they call “Obamacare” by having the Supreme Court declare certain portions unconstitutional.  It looks like troglodyte Scalia and c. are leaning toward doing just that.  Why not?  They get the finest healthcare in the land.

In the meantime, 50 million Americans have exactly zero health care insurance (that’s 1 in 6).[1]  Physician  Dr. George Lundberg said it best:  “The for-profit American health insurance industry — and many of those not-for-profit lookalikes — is a poster child for the triumph of poorly-regulated and misplaced capitalism in a historically fundamental service profession.”[2]

As a breast cancer survivor, I had approximately eight doctors at the same time.  Every single one of them despised the insurance system.  Here’s a typically insane example:  I needed a year’s worth of infusions of a life-saving drug called Herceptin.  HOWEVER, my insurance would not approve this treatment until it was proved that my white cell count was low.  I was going through chemo, and every single chemo patient’s white cell count drops, no exceptions.  Just a little ploy to put added stress on me.

The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act broached by Obama has already had a powerful effect.  Allowing young people up to 26 to stay on their parents’ plans has added 2.5 million to the ranks of the insured (at no cost to taxpayers). [3]  The Plan also provides that by 2014, insurers can’t deny coverage to those with pre-existing conditions.   This is unequivocally A GOOD THING.  If I happen to get cancer again (I’ve already had it twice) and I happen to get laid off (as I was when Washington Mutual melted in its pyroclastic flow), then I don’t have to die in a gutter, whimpering about “The Greatest Country On Earth.”

While documentarian and activist Michael Moore was making Sicko, his expose’ of the healthcare game, he discovered some interesting facts:[4]

  1. There are four times as many health care lobbyists as there are members of Congress.

  2. Canadians live three years longer than we do.

  3. In a study of older Americans and Brits, the Brits had less of almost every major disease. Even the poorest Brit can expect to live longer than the richest American.

  4. A baby born in El Salvador has a better chance of surviving than a baby born in Detroit.

  5. 18,000 Americans will die this year simply because they’re uninsured.

  6. The United States is ranked #37 as a health system by the World Health Organization.

It’s a picture of cheer, isn’t it?  Let’s look at some of the most egregious “denials of service” which have taken place recently:

  1. When 17-year-old college student Jerome Mitchell tested positive for HIV in 2002, his health insurance company retroactively annulled his coverage.  Happily, he was ultimately awarded $10 million.
  2. In 2002, a woman was denied coverage since rape was considered “a pre-existing condition.”  Interesting logic.
  3. In 2009, domestic violence qualified as a pre-existing condition in eight states and the District of Columbia.
  4. In 2008, shortly before Robin Beaton was scheduled to undergo a double mastectomy, her insurance company revoked her policy. Beaton, a breast cancer patient, never disclosed that she’d previously seen a dermatologist for acne, a condition her insurer, Blue Cross, said qualified as a pre-existing condition.   And acne is related to breast cancer because. . .?
  5. In 2007, CIGNA refused to pay for the liver transplant 17-year-old Nataline Sarkisyan because it was “too experimental.”   Due to public pressure, CIGNA reversed its decision but – oops!—too late:  Nataline died the same day.[5]

The state of Arizona and its fascist Governor Brewer has caused the death of two transplant candidates by cutting funds to their Medicaid organ transplant program. [6]  So if you’re an immigrant and need a transplant, please crawl  over the border and die!

On the other side of this issue lies the obscene salaries/benefits of America’s healthcare insurance execs.  Amazingly, THREE OF THEM make the Forbes 2012 List of Top 10 Highest Paid CEOs:

1.       Stephen Hemsley of UnitedHealth Group, whose one-year compensation totaled $48.8 million.

2.       Omicare’s CEO, with $98.3 million

3.       The Grand Daddy of them all, John Hammergren of McKesson Corp, who pulled in $145.3 million for compensation, according to the LA Times.

So can we assume that this business is profitable?  You bet your backless hospital gown it is!   “In the midst of a deep economic recession, America’s health insurance companies increased their profits by 56 percent in 2009, a year that saw 2.7 million people lose their private coverage.”[7]  To celebrate, Blue Cross of CA decided to raise its annual premiums by 39%.[8]  Those guys!

But perhaps the most insidious and distasteful aspect of this whole industry was revealed by the testimony of Linda Peeno before Congress.  Peeno, who had been a high-level Humana and Blue Cross/Shield case worker, confirmed that agents were given BONUSES for denying customers healthcare. Here are her powerful words:  “I contend that ‘managed care,’ as we currently know it, is inherently unethical in its organization and operation. Furthermore, I maintain that we have an industry which can exist only through flagrant ethical violations against individuals and the public.”[9]

So as the GOP tries its best to deny health insurance to as many people as possible; while families are shattered, emotionally and financially, by illnesses they cannot afford to treat; while fat cat for-profit execs luxuriate in the highest salaries in the nation,; our present system, corrupt to the core, continues to grind on.  Would it really be so terrible if every American had affordable health insurance, so we wouldn’t have to cringe in terror every time we were laid off?   Or is this considered as “Socialist” as Emma Goldman hurling a bomb?  Grow up, conservatives.  Let’s not fuck with people’s lives.  Let Capitalism out the back door so that benefits are available for all.

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Ladies – Listen To Me: GET A F***ING MAMMOGRAM!!

Last night, I heard a report on NPR which so enraged me that I thought I would go through the windshield.  A new study is apparently questioning the efficacy of women in their 40’s having yearly mammograms (which, BTW, is recommended by The American Cancer Society).  According to the geniuses behind this, only women at risk (i.e., those with dense breasts or a genetic predisposition to breast cancer) need have the test this “early.”  They can sit back and wait for their fifth decade before submitting to this admittedly awkward procedure.

Well, let me tell you a little story:  if I hadn’t had yearly mammograms in my 40’s, I would be dead right now.  Not once, but twice.  That’s D – E – A – D, TWICE.  And not a lump was ever to be seen.  Did I have a history of breast cancer among “a close relative – a mother, sister or daughter.”  NO.  I can go back to my great-grandmothers and tell you that not a one suffered from this malady.  Did I have particularly dense breasts?  I did have a history of fibroid tumors dating from my twenties, but most of them had shrunk in the ensuing decades.  Therefore, I was the person the solicitous doctors would have spared from mammography.  My only hope is that they would come visit me in a comfy corner of Mt. Sinai Cemetery, maybe on Moses Boulevard.

BREAST CANCER #1.  The year was 2007, and I was 48.  I breezed into The Breast Cancer Center in Bellevue, WA, expecting the same old boring result.  Instead, there was a Stage 0 tumor in situ in my right breast.  It was so deep it could not even be detected by the mammogram.  The doctors noticed that something had changed (which saved my life) and it was via a subsequent ultrasound that the cancer was discovered.

There followed:  surgery, and a radiation therapy called Mammosite, which blasts x-rays directly onto the tumor site via catheter.   A mere five days, twice a day, and the catheter was removed.  I returned to my daily life.

BREAST CANCER #2.  The year was 2010.  I was 51.  Just a smidge past my forties, but, having had breast cancer, I underwent  mammograms once a year – and, for at least two years, twice.   Everything was hunky dory.  There was virtually no chance that Stage 0 cancer would return.  But my left breast threw me a curveball:  this time, I had aggressive Stage 2 cancer (completely unrelated to the first), and what was worse, it had gotten into my lymph nodes.  A visible lump?  Nyet.  Again, the mammogram was indeterminate and an ultrasound was required.

This time, even I could see the tumor floating on its black background of normal tissue.  This time, I had the Full Monty of Therapy:  Surgery (on both breasts, since scar tissue had developed on the right); chemotherapy (which put me in the hospital for six days), a year’s worth of Herceptin injections (since I was HER-2 positive); and thirty-five sessions of radiation – the real thing, delivered by a machine the size of a spaceship.  Oh yeah, I went bald.  Oh yeah, I am on the cancer med Femara for the next five years.  But here’s the crucial point:  I AM ALIVE.

Had I listened to the well-meaning doctors behind the current study, I would not be writing this.  I would have left behind a very sad seventeen-year-old, two orphaned dogs, and a bunny.  So I beg you, ladies, literally from the bottom of my heart:  HAVE A FUCKING MAMMOGRAM.  HAVE ONE EVERY YEAR, THROUGHOUT YOUR FORTIES, regardless of your doctor’s advice.   If your insurance won’t pay for it, they are offered FREE or at low-cost through state Medicaid (as are pelvic exams and PAP smears).   Please go to this web site, http://breastcancer.about.com/od/Free-Stuff-Cancer/tp/Find-Free-Mammograms.htm, and find the facility closest to you.  These are not Third World  clinics:  the FDA inspects them annually.

This may be the most important advice you ever receive.  I’m not saying that cancer treatment is a good time, but it does beat the alternative.  Currently, one in eight women is diagnosed with breast cancer.  That figure is expected to rise to one in five.  It’s not the automatic killer it used to be, provided there is early detection.  Hey, I’m minus thirteen lymph nodes, but I can still write this blog!  Do yourself – and the people who love you – a favor.  Hair can grow back (mine is currently shoulder-length, and I started from a baseline of zero).  But life is not renewable (reincarnation aside).

Listen to the American Cancer Society.  Oddly, they know a little something about cancer.  Even if you can’t stay cancer-free, at least be a Survivor.  You get to wear a cool pink shirt at the Susan G. Komen Race For The Cure.  And they even give you a medal.

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Take My Freedom – Please!

Since America was shocked out of its exceptionalism by 9/11, we’ve been facing a classic political dilemma:  Security versus Freedom.   In the old Soviet Union, security definitely won, and even today, Russians wax nostalgic for paranoid Stalin and his much-vaunted Order. From the 30’s to the 50’s, there was neither chaos nor crime – there was however state terrorism and the knock on the door in the middle of the night.  Here in the U.S., we’ve prided ourselves on our Freedom, even when J. Edgar in his prom formal was listening at our door and making sure that we weren’t Reds.

Post 9/11, however, we seem to have cheerily folded up the Bill of Rights and handed our privacy to the Feds and various Web-based monoliths.  The result has been a safer – albeit much more intrusive – America.

To start with the Googles, Facebooks, and Microsofts:  they can indulge in as much finger-pointing as they like, but the truth is that each of them is tracking us like a bloodhound so that we can be targeted by advertisers.  In a 2010 speech, Zuckerberg proclaimed that “the age of privacy is over.”[1]  He seems to be proving his point with Timeline, which makes it incredibly easy for me or anyone to find your posts from 2005, when you were going through your Anarchist phase.  The Timeline, to put it neatly, lasts for several centuries. . .

Google is doing its best to “be evil” by scanning every word of Gmail for the purpose of determining ad placement.[2]  Microsoft skewered this practice with a series of ‘Gmail Man’ videos, though they themselves have never been angels.  The Googster “inadvertently” created a database of worldwide WiFi networks – and the info on them — while taking pictures for its Street View program.  Even though they later apologized, those 600 gigs of data still live. [3]

If you have any doubt that mouthing concern about “privacy” is nothing more than corporate B.S., here’s the result of a 2010 Carnegie Mellon study:  “My students and I discovered that Google, Facebook and thousands of others essentially have bogus privacy policies.”[4]  Well, who wudda thunk it?

To set our sights on the Big Daddy of privacy invaders – the Fed – shows us something of larger consequence than getting a pesky online ad from Viagra (and your name’s Virginia).  Bush’s signing of the 2001 (USA) Patriot Act, and Obama’s extension of same, promises at least  three more years of authorized roving wiretaps, business records searches, and the ability to surveil “lone wolves.”[5]  What does this actually mean?

That National Security Letters “permit the government to obtain the communication, financial and credit records of anyone deemed relevant to a terrorism investigation even if that person is not suspected of unlawful behavior. . . .reports have confirmed that tens of thousands of these letters are issued every year and they are used to collect information on people two and three times removed from a terrorism suspect.[6]   When I was in junior high, I used to worry that the government could check my library records and find out I was reading Marx.  Heck, that was just teenage paranoia – now, they really can!!   And it’s nice to know that under the Patriot Act, the FBI can search e-mail and phone records without a court order.  Who needs those pesky papers anyway?

Let’s move on to the indefinite detention of immigrants and searches without a subject’s permission, shall we? [7]  They should go well with the unmanned drones flying over the U.S. doing domestic surveillance.[8]  Whoa, what is this, Afghanistan?  Not really, since we’ve spent $100 billion reconstructing that country while our citizens lose their homes, jobs, and dignity. But anyhoo. . .

In the two months after 9/11, 1,200 Muslim-Americans were arrested in sweeps, mainly on immigration charges. Most had absolutely no proven ties to terrorism.  And the FBI, while pretending to do community outreach, spied on Muslims in their mosques, etc.   In fact, “…they recorded intelligence about Americans’ religious beliefs and practices, associations, opinions, and expressive activities in violation of the Privacy Act.”[9]  But that’s OK, since 39% of Americans say U.S. Muslims should carry special identification.[10]

It was recently revealed that Quantico training of agents consists of telling them that “that “main stream” [sic] American Muslims are likely to be terrorist sympathizers; that the Prophet Mohammed was a “cult leader”; and that the Islamic practice of giving charity is no more than a “funding mechanism for combat.”[11]  Does that apply to the church collection plate?

We’ve all heard about “enhanced interrogation” techniques, a pleasant euphemism for simulating drowning in prisoners using Cheney’s favorite pastime, waterboarding.  You know, it’s not a “used car”, it’s a “pre-owned vehicle!”  The truth of things actually doesn’t change when you rename them.

Still, the scariest violation of all has occurred, sadly, under Obama.  Attorney General Holder has justified the killing of Americans abroad, without charges or a trial, as long as those people are suspected “terrorists.”[12]  In his own words: “Due process and judicial process are not one and the same, particularly when it comes to national security. The Constitution guarantees due process, not judicial process.”[13]  I imagine that might be a surprise to the Founding Fathers.  But not to Anwar al-Awlaki, born in New Mexico yet blown away by a joint CIA-military drone strike in Yemen.[14]

Now that we can freely murder our own, it seems that all things are possible.  Martial law if a city gets “out of control” – especially minorities.  The shooting of citizens here if it can be justified under the broad brush of “National Security.”  Another Manzanar if the U.S. is attacked again.  Because we have let politicians and the media scare us, we have handed over our privacy, rights, and freedoms freely – something the Soviets didn’t have too much choice about.  If we don’t stand up for the current target of populist ire – Muslim-Americans — we’ll be sitting down beside them in some cozy little cell at Gitmo.

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Los Illegales

        With the Supreme Court hearing arguments this week on Arizona’s SB 1070, and a flagging economy sparking hatred of “others” which sporadically flares up across the land, it seems timely to examine the (now) national issue of illegal immigration.

There are currently 10.8 million illegals in the U.S. but – good news, Nativists! – this number has decreased by a million since 2008.[1]  Seems that The Recession and nutcases like Governor Jan Brewer of AZ have driven scores back to Mexico, engaging in what Romney charmingly calls “self-deportation.”    The loathsome Arizona law enables police to try to determine immigration status during a “lawful stop, detention or arrest when there is reasonable suspicion that the individual is an illegal immigrant.”[2]  Does that reasonable suspicion translate to driver has brown skin?  You bet your KKK hood it does!

What’s more, illegals are required to carry papers at all times in a desert version of the National Identity Card which most Americans hated, and shunned, even post-9/11.  Oh yeah – you’re also not  supposed to stand in a parking lot and “gesture or nod” that you’re available for work.  Take that, Home Depot!

In my native state of California, there are 2.6 million illegals.  If you listen to the haters, they are taking American jobs, callously using free social services, not paying taxes, blah blah.  Yet here’s the actual truth:  “L.A. County Economy Would Shrink by More Than $100 Billion If All Illegal Immigrants Were Deported, Says UCLA Report.”[3]  If Romney’s wet dream comes true, and all L.A. illegals go bye-bye, that translates to a 21.9% decrease in employment, and a loss of 1.3 million jobs.  However, in a brave new utopian world, where illegals have amnesty, 211,000 jobs would be added and tax revenues would increase by $1.9 billion. [4]  Also, Mittens, did it ever occur to you that the cost of deporting 11 million people would be approximately $144 billion?[5]  That could fund a whole ‘nother half-war!

California has not been immune from the madness, with the passage – and repeal, due to its unconstitutionality – of noxious Prop 187 in the 90’s.  This would have deprived illegals from using public health care and schools.  That was a pretty good idea:  we could foment an underclass where epidemics spread unchecked (guess what, 1%? – viruses don’t recognize class) and illiteracy among kids could be worse than it is under LAUSD.

But let’s take a hard look at the tired refrain:  “’They’ are taking our jobs.”  They are, if your job is maid, gardener, cook, nanny, bus boy, construction, doorman, or migrant farm worker.  Farmers have stated often that if illegals are banned from their fields, they won’t be able to harvest, resulting in higher consumer prices for people like you and me.  And Americans don’t wish to put on that straw hat and work for substandard wages — they’ve made that perfectly clear.

Let’s put our focus on Los Angeles, a city composed of immigrants.  Take away all Latinos, and life as we know it will come to a squealing halt.  No more cheap domestic labor for mansions and middle-class homes.  No more immaculate leaf-blown lawns.  No more patient caregivers to babysit Johnny and Suzie while Mom goes off to work, or, in the Romney paradigm, to a day spa.  L.A. is like a Third World country, with a distinct underclass that enables everyone else to feel like Madonna.   A reporter for the L.A.Times said it best in Paradise Lost: California’s Experience, America’s Future:  “This town runs on brown wheels.”  You better believe it.  And if those wheels are removed, a la the film A Day Without A Mexican, you’ll find Tom Cruise doing his own laundry and Ah-nuld cooking his lunch.  Unthinkable!

Amazingly, one of the few entities to have displayed compassion for the plight of illegals is the Catholic Church.  Our Lady Queen of Angels is exemplary, openly building a sanctuary to house those on the verge of deportation (they must have American children and a good work record).  The L.A. Cardinal and priests have put themselves on the line for speaking out – and doing something – where illegals are concerned.  “”Millions of people here are good citizens and workers who pay taxes and own homes,” says Father Richard Estrada.[6]

Even so, there are still barriers beyond the border which haunt the children of illegals.  Happily, Gov. Brown just passed the CA “Dream Act,” which entitles those without papers to qualify for scholarships and to pay in-state tuition.  But the heartbreak is that many college graduates who were brought to the U.S. illegally end up with the same low-skill jobs as their parents. [7]  Many of these kids find out they’re illegal when they first apply for college or a  job.  Those who excel – according to the Horatio Alger dictum  – who get good grades and acceptance at four-year schools, find that without a social security number, they are condemned to a life of cleaning houses.  This is truly a tragedy which (one hopes) a Democratic Administration will address.

There are so many reasons for granting amnesty to those who’ve been in the U.S. for decades.  It enables them to be paid a living wage and avoid exploitation from unscrupulous employers; it prevents the travesty of deporting parents whose children are U.S. citizens – will we be deporting Americans now?  (We kill them without trial if they’re a terrorist — that much is clear).  We enable millions of hard-working people to come into the light and get off the black market cash payroll.

If you don’t think that illegals are hard-working, you haven’t been to Los Angeles.  I see men sweating in 100 degree heat, lifting enormous boxes and doing back-breaking work; maids getting down on hands and knees to scrub a kitchen floor; valets running like Olympic sprinters so they can return your Lexus to you.

I’m not condoning lawlessness, but the illegals aren’t criminals.  They’re people who’ve come from a poor, corrupt country to better their circumstances, not unlike my forbearers, or yours.  And even if your great-great-great-great Uncle Winslow came over on The Mayflower, you are still not a native.  To quote Jack White of The White Stripes:  “White Americans, what? Nothin’ better to do? Why don’t you kick yourself out, you’re an immigrant too?”[8]  Listen up, Arizona.

 

The President of Los Angeles

The Dictator

Last night, I heard this phrase on NPR, “The President Of Los Angeles.”  Of course, it was succeeded by something innocuous like “. . .Chamber Orchestra,” but it did get me to thinking.  What if I were elected President of this town of nearly 7 million? (I am reluctantly counting Orange County).  If I were King Of the Forest, what changes could I enact to improve the lot of the poor, help the burgeoning immigrant community, and generally torture the rich?  Firstly, my Administration would demand the following:

  1. Revoke Prop 13.  This has turned California from The Golden State into The State That Was.  Sorry homeowners (I was one of you once, prior to the Great Recession), but somebody’s got to pay for our crumbling roads, embarrassingly bad schools, neo-fascist police force, and simple amenities like libraries.  Go ahead, cry on your kitchen table.  I eat standing up, in my 450 square foot studio.
  2. Force the 1% of our town to visit a poor neighborhood every  month.  Use the Red Line to transport Hollywood starlets to Watts, and the inhabitants of Beverly Hills and Brentwood to East L.A. and the North Valley.  Think of it like Pol Pot’s “political re-education program,” but no one is actually killed.  Instead, give those who spend their days having plastic surgery a glimpse of how Real People live.  Who knows, maybe they’ll buy a tamale or visit Food 4 Less.
  3. Immediately impound the 8 million Mercedes and Beamers on the road, sell them, and in their stead set up actual public transportation.  With routes that go from the Westside to the Valley; and one that traverses Beverly Hills (!!) on its way to the beach.  While this is in process, hand out bicycles to the rich so that they can get around.  They’ll lose weight without spending a fortune and thank us for keeping them in shape!
  4. Have the LAPD focus on pulling over white drivers for at least a one-month period.  In fact, they can even pull over themselves.
  5. Have everyone who works at a studio take on a real job for a couple of weeks.  They might come to the realization that if a TV show doesn’t make airtime, the planets will not collide.
  6. Have a Clique Relocation Program.  For example, surfers become gang members for a day, and ganstas get to be Valley Girls. Gardeners live in the houses whose lawns they trim, and housekeepers make studio heads clean up after themselves.  Koreans can pretend to be African-Americans, then  arrest themselves for shoplifting.
  7. Learn how it feels to be Armenian and go to Glendale for a day!  After a couple of kabobs and anoush, you’ll almost be a Kardashian!  (Don’t forget to make a sex tape!!)
  8. Sub-divide the houses on Sunset Boulevard and create more public housing.  Take the stars’ enclaves in Malibu and turn them into rehab centers.
  9. Speaking of Malibu:  everyone must get out.  No one should live in a place that has regular fires, mudslides, floods, and earthquakes.  Barbra, we’re doing it for your own good!
  10. All non-natives must return to whence they came.  That will leave me, Paula Abdul, Debbie Reynolds (she was Miss Burbank), Drew Barrymore, Corey Feldman and Shia Labeouf.  We will all collaborate on a big-screen version of The Flying Nun.  Since Sally Field was born in Pasadena, we may grant her a temporary visa.

So that’s how things would stack out if I were President of L.A.  I will confiscate Mel Gibson’s mansion and use it as my Presidential Palace.  Mr. T. and The Rock will serve as my personal bodyguards.  Wolfgang Puck will man the kitchen, and Mel, as part of his Human Rehabilitation Program, will be my driver.

I’ll try to keep things low-key and ban The Secret Service.  If I want to have a blowout, I’ll invite the GSA and we can party with sushi from Katsu-ya.   And oh yeah, my VP will be Heidi Fleiss.  She’s the quintessential L.A. gal and a damned good businesswoman!  Forget what I said about the Secret Service.  They can come round the Palace any time.

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The Neocons And Their Wars Of Choice

          

The IRAQ WAR MEMORIAL

Even now, nine years later, my anger rises to a level even Paxil can’t control as I think about the Necons’ two Wars of Choice.  Now that it’s almost all over, let’s look at the results:  [1]2,583 coalition deaths in Afghanistan; and oh yeah, those civilians who don’t matter much:  12,793 dead.  In Iraq, the U.S. body count is 4,487 and those pesky civilians died to the tune of 162,000, which of course could be much more.  That’s nearly 200,000 dead and countless others maimed and driven crazy.  And oh yeah, $1.324 TRILLION was expended by the U.S. on both fronts. For what??

Granted, Saddam wasn’t exactly a sweetheart, and he managed to kill about 1 million of his own people in the span of 24 years.  Yet was there no way of removing him from power – or having him removed – that didn’t entail horrifying casualties, the complete disruption of life in Baghdad, and the looting of a Museum which contained some of mankind’s most precious artifacts?

Not according to the Neocons.  Per this genius brain trust, “We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.” – Condi[2] .  Forget that Bush’s “intelligence” about Iraq’s nuclear program was completely discredited before the 2003 invasion.[3]  Ideologues like William Kristol could still proclaim: “The world is a mess. And, I think, it’s very much to Bush’s credit that he’s gotten serious about dealing with it. . . . The danger is not that we’re going to do too much. The danger is that we’re going to do too little.”[4]  Guess what, Bill?  We did too much to promulgate the Necon wet dream of “democracy promotion” in the Middle East.

Perhaps Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel (a Republican!) said it best: “”So why did we invade Iraq? I believe it was the triumph of the so-called neo-conservative ideology, as well as Bush administration arrogance and incompetence that took America into this war of choice. . . . They obviously made a convincing case to a president with very limited national security and foreign policy experience. . .”[5]  Right.  Let them stand up and be counted:  Cheney, Lieberman, McCain, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, Scooter Libby, Condi, so-called writer Kristol, David Brooks, and Doug Feith.  If any of them had an ounce of shame, they would self-immolate in front of the White House.

I don’t include W. among the perpetrators, since he was merely a puppet dangled from Cheney’s arm.  He was too busy praying to Jesus to listen to saner voices, like Colin Powell’s.  Who said of his embarrassing 2003 speech before the U.N., in which he cited truck movement to justify an Iraq invasion, “[it’s] “a lasting blot on my record”[6]  No duh.  Now live with it.

Let’s remember some of the classic quotes and actions from those long-ago days of ’03:  “Don’t worry, it’s a slam dunk” – George Tenet, then-head of the CIA.  “Mission Accomplished” and the flight suit.  George Bush action dolls.  General Shinseki reprimanded by Wolfowitz for saying we needed several hundred thousand soldiers in Iraq, and then we end up sending a million troops all told.[7]  Oil money was going to pay for Iraqi reconstruction.[8] (Wolfowitz again).  Find a cave, Paul.  It worked pretty well for Osama.

Let’s focus our minds on the incredible bevy of lies we were force fed prior to the Neocon Blitz.  The “intelligence” garnered from Iraqi defector “Curveball,” who has admitted he lied his ass off about WMDs. [9]   The forged documents “proving” that Sadaam had tried to purchase yellowcake powder from Nigeria.  Hell, even the Italians could tell they were fake![10]   The shoving down our throats threats of WMDs which never materialized, even though the Bush Administration continued searching for years.  The inevitability of the Iraq invasion post-9/11, which, per Bob Woodward[11], Bush and Cheney began planning by December of that year.  The ominous hinting of some “link” between Sadaam and Al- Qaeda, which, hello! never existed.

But say it enough times, and the American public is dumb enough to swallow anything.  Like forgetting that most of the hijackers hailed from Saudi Arabia – but wait, those are our allies!  So let’s target an old hated enemy instead. We got him, but at what cost, in human lives and dollars?  If we’d had that trillion plus when the Neocons’ pals, Wall Street, blew up the economy, we might have been able to weather it better.  Or at least not cut food stamps and aid for the disabled.

Let’s look at the other culpable parties, starting with Congress.  Twenty-three brave Senators voted against the Iraq War Resolution, among them:  Barbara Boxer (proud to have her as our rep!), the late Ted Kennedy, Patty Murray, Harry Reed, Paul Wellstone, and Russ Feingold.  All of them, but one (Lincoln Chafee), Democrats.  In the House, 296 craven Congressman (215 of them Republicans) voted for Bush’s Folly, uh, Doctrine.

Then there were the “embedded” reporters from the networks.  Nothing guarantees objectivity like actually traveling with the troops (upon whom you depend for your safety and/or life).  And accepting every General’s briefing as if it were the Sermon On the Mount.  Because questioning the Neocons’ two Wars Of Choice would be un-American, anti-9/11, and as suspect as wearing a Che shirt.

So what have we left in our wake?  In Afghanistan, a U.S. puppet government that was “surprised” by the ferocity of recent insurgent attacks.  What do you want to bet that Mullah Omar crawls out of his spider hole and takes back control within the next few years?  In the meantime, Iraq is a mess, a “budding police state” according to Human Rights Watch.  Al Qaeda in Iraq (nonexistent before us) is having a field day.

And the Neocons?  They are actually pressing forward with dreams to attack Iran.  To quote retired General Anthony Zinni:  “If you liked Iraq and Afghanistan, you’ll love Iran.”  What is it that precludes these people from learning?  Is Dick Cheney embedded in their brains?

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The Fetishization of American Motherhood

Recently, a media war erupted when Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen proclaimed that Ann Romney was no expert on women’s struggles considering she had never worked a day in her life.  Romney tweeted back, “I made a choice to stay home and raise five boys. Believe me, it was hard work.”  The First Lady herself felt obliged to hoist the flag for Motherhood, tweeting, “Every mother works hard, and every woman deserves to be respected.”  Once again, we were off the races and the GOP War On Women took on the fervor of a 19th century revival.

As we know, this is when the Victorian notion of “The Angel Of the House” sprang into full flower.  (Charlotte Bronte complained that this insipid archetype was basically “half angel/half doll.”)  Teddy Roosevelt thundered in a speech to the National Congress of Mothers in 1905:  “Nothing good will happen “…unless the average woman is a good wife, a good mother, able and willing to perform the first and greatest duty of womanhood, able and willing to bear, and to bring up as they should be brought up, healthy children, sound in body, mind, and character, and numerous enough so that the race shall increase and not decrease.”

“There are certain old truths which will be true as long as this world endures, and which no amount of progress can alter. One of these is the truth that the primary duty of the husband is to be the home-maker, the breadwinner for his wife and children, and that the primary duty of the woman is to be the helpmate, the housewife, and mother.”

But (in the view of the oppressors) there is always an upside to slavery:  “The woman who is a good wife, a good mother, is entitled to our respect as is no one else…”   Then comes the ecstatic worship:  “The woman’s task is not easy–. .  and when she has done it, there shall come to her the highest and holiest joy known to mankind; and …she shall have the reward prophesied in Scripture…for all people who realize that her work lies at the foundation of all national happiness and greatness, shall rise up and call her blessed.”  Even the Virgin Mary looks a little slutty in comparison.

Still, the man most responsible for putting American Mom on a pedestal is a most unlikely figure:  a Russian-Jewish immigrant who headed MGM, Mr. Louis B. Mayer.  Mayer worshipped his Yiddisher Mama, and this sentiment (and sentimentality) made its way directly onto the screen: with the idyllic, nuclear Hardy family; Marmie in Little Women; Greer Garson as Mrs. Miniver (she even captures a Nazi flyer singlehanded!); the sainted Mrs. O’Hara in Gone With The Wind; Irene Dunne in White Cliffs Of Dover (she loses both her husband and son to the wars). Mayer worshiped his new homeland (he claimed his birthday was the 4th of July), and this, commingled with the reverence he bore his Ma, did more than anything to sanctify Mom at the movies.

With the advent of television in the 50’s, we were deluged with a tsunami of perfect Moms:  Donna Reed, Harriet Nelson, June Cleaver; Mrs. Walton, Shirley Partridge, and perhaps the greatest of them all, that eternal “lovely lady” — Carol Brady.  None of these icons of womanhood had to deal with weighty problems, at least those which couldn’t be solved in a span of 22 minutes.  None longed for a career, except the redoubtable Shirley, but she had Mr. Kincaid to guide her, and besides, she was able to take her kids with her in that incredible rainbow bus!

Per the book The Mommy Myth:  The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women:[1]  “In the idealized myth, mothers and babies spend their days discovering the wonders of life, reading, playing and laughing. Mom wears her baby in a sling, never raises her voice and of course has unlimited time and patience. Baby grows up safe, happy and respectful.”  This is, of course, The Dream.  Reality can look a little different, with fractured families, single moms, women who have to work (sorry, Ann), and dysfunctionality which spans from infanticide to depression to abuse.  In 2008, one of four U.S. children were born into poverty.[2]  In a 2010 Pew Center Research Poll, when women were asked why they’d had their first child, 47% responded, “there wasn’t a reason; it just happened.”[3]   Obviously, this is a non-choice that has lifelong repercussions.

The Republicans, being by definition conservative and adverse to change, of course cling to the Old Notions of gender roles, where stay-at-Moms are as revered as anything Louis B. could come up with. Working moms, however, are in some form evil, Feminazis, and anti-men.[4]  As a result, many of them feel guilt, even though they have no economic choice.

What the GOP doesn’t understand is that we have entered the era of New Moms, one which provides entirely new role models.  Madonna, Britney, and Natalie can all be sex symbols and good moms; Angie can be smoking hot and still adopt foreign orphans.  Would Marilyn, in the 50’s, have been allowed to be a sex symbol and a Mom?  It seems highly unlikely, although she tried (and miscarried twice).  Back then, the Jungian archetypes of The Madonna and The Whore were too demarcated and ne’er the two could meet.  Now, we’re OK with an amalgam as long as that person is a celebrity and has a ton of money.  They are living the dream for single moms everywhere — one tabloid at a time.

You know what’s really funny?  After arguing that motherhood is in fact real work, the GOP just shot down a bill that would have helped poor moms achieve the life of an Ann Romney.  The reason?  “”There are lots of things we can describe as work. Is raising children as a mother work? Is raising children as a father work? Is washing the car work?” Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) asked. “I’d like to be paid for washing my car, but we have to draw the line somewhere.”[5]

Ok, so raising kids is work if you’re Ann Romney, but if you’re not, it’s just a way to laze around the house.  The bloviating Republicans can’t even support their own platform for longer than a week!  So let’s join an anti-Republican — Jimmy Cagney in White Heat –as the cops close in, and he yells, “”Made it, Ma! Top of the world!” before going down in a hail of bullets.  Guns and Motherhood.  What could be more American than that?


[1] Susan Douglas, Meredith Michaels

The Red & The Blue: Two Nations, One Under God, Divisible

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

OK  I’ve got an idea.  Sometimes these can be dangerous – like when I wanted to enroll in law school or get an MBA – but I think that this one has merit.  Hear me out.

America is hopelessly divided politically:  hence, the stalemate in Congress; the Presidential elections that hinge on the votes of three people in Ohio — and one could be Joe the Plumber.   Let’s face it – we have evolved into two separate nations with values and beliefs as far apart as L.A. and Alabama.  Instead of sitting and crying about it (or getting vicarious revenge through The Daily Show), let’s do something for once.  Here then is my immodest proposal:

Do what Lincoln should have and break the U.S. into two distinct nations:  The United States of Tolerance (UST), and the United States Of Jesus (USJ).  Here’s how it works:

Eliminate all present federal highways which cross the country, like the I-90.  The 5 (Golden State) can stay since it traverses wholly Blue Land.  In their stead, build a road from Seattle to Minneapolis, with no exits in Montana and North Dakota.  Similarly, build an interstate from Los Angeles to New Mexico, and from NM to Florida, with no offramps in the South.  In this freeway’s mind, Dixie does not exist.  They will have their own roads (possibly dirt) for White Vehicles Only.

Now that we’ve cut off transportation between the two prospective nations, let’s examine how commerce between them will work.  The same as it does now, except that taxes in USJ will be paid to their new capitol in Montgomery, AL (I wanted to make it Richmond, after the Confederacy, but good on VA, they’re a Blue State now!).   Good luck to USJ, since they currently collect more in federal aid than they pay out in taxes.  I’m sure that Texas border vigilantes will serve as local police, and the KKK can put out the fires they start.  The Idaho Militias can provide an ad hoc National Guard.

Now onto federal laws.  The UST will still retain the Constitution, though Justices Scalia, Thomas, and Roberts will be “encouraged” to retire.  With Originalists gone and a predominantly Democratic Congress, the following laws will be passed:

1)      National Healthcare (and not even one mention of the word “socialism”!)

2)      Equal Pay For Women  (Even though they’re not fetuses, they’re people.)  Which brings us to:

3)      Reproductive Choice – made on a personal, not governmental , level.  And oh yeah:

4)      Use of fetal tissue to cure deadly diseases

5)      Legalization of gay marriage

6)      Abolition of the NRA

7)      Proponents of hate speech and racism deported to USJ, Deep Fried Sector

This leaves the USJ to enact whatever the hell laws they want.  Such as:

1)      Combination of Church & State

2)      USJ declared a Christian theocracy, with Jesus the titular head

3)      No abortions – ever.  Ditto, contraceptives.   An occasional maybe:  the rhythm method.

4)      Teaching of “intelligent <sic> design”, i.e., Creationism, in schools

5)      Founding Fathers to be depicted riding dinosaurs (thank you, Tom Tomorrow!)

6)      Women to be stay-at-home Moms only – sorry, Nikki Haley & Elizabeth Dole!

7)      Mexican border to be guarded by Star Wars missile defense manned by slaves  captured Hispanic nationals.

8)      Every citizen required to own a gun.  NRA has its own federal department.

So what’s so wrong with my scheme?  It’s practical, and relieves the mounting pressure between religious zealots who wish to dwell in the 15th century and the “cosmopolitans” of Manhattan, with their soy lattés, NPR, and sodomy.

UST gets to keep Hollywood, the NY publishing industry, Las Vegas, and Hawaii; USJ gets nearly the entire South;  states filled with waving wheat and potatoes; and Alaska, with animals aplenty waiting to be slaughtered, preferably from a low-flying helicopter.  Florida, although a Blue State in the 2008 election, will be considered On Probation until 1) They acknowledge the existence of Cuba  2) They learn to distinguish a hanging chad from an orange and  3) Kathleen Harris is exiled to Wasila.

Likewise, Santa Cruz, CA and Eugene, OR will not be admitted to the UST until they sign an acknowledgment that it’s not the 60’s anymore.   If California objects to anything, it can simply withdraw and become its own country again (The Bear Flag Republic) .  Its GDP will still be more than the entire USJ’s.

On the other side, Texas might want to declare its independence if it decides to Remember The Alamo. JR Ewing might be brought back to head the Lone Star nation.  Mitt Romney can preside over Utah, and a hologram of Jefferson Davis can be the President-at-large.  Minorities (non-Christians, blacks, Hispanics, LGBT, anyone-who-isn’t-white) might want to emigrate over to the UST.   Likewise, those who are struck by the thunderbolt of Enlightenment, as well as evolutionists, women, and the entire population of Austin, TX.

Atlanta will be declared a Neutral Zone, like Switzerland but with CNN instead of Alps.  Ted Turner, “The Mouth Of the South”, will be named Honorary Mayor, unless he remarries Jane Fonda.  Lockheed with be forced to move its operation from Marietta, GA, back to Burbank, CA (hey, we need jobs!).  USJ companies allowed to continue doing business in the UST:  Krispy-Kreme, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Popeyes.   Those we’d like to have:  Chick-Fil-A, Emeril’s New Orleans, and Lexington Barbecue No. 1.

Los Angeles and NYC will be declared “no go zones” by the USJ.  A Fundamentalist film industry will be set up in Dollywood, TN.   USJ residents will be allowed to cross over into Florida in case they want to go to Disney World (why make the children suffer?).   The inverse will be true for Nashville.  And oh yeah, country music is banned in UST — except for Willie Nelson.

I think you can see that I’ve come up with a workable solution.  No more Congressional squabbling.  No more Santorums jamming their antediluvian views down our throats , and on their side, no more exposure to “R”-rated films and Rihanna.  Let’s end this Values War once and for all.  As long as we get to keep Graceland.

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